I am 5 months postpartum. This was my second pregnancy, so my body knew a little more about what to do. This included holding onto more weight. Isn’t that interesting.
Postpartum can be an incredibly hard time to be positive with your body.
Yes, my body did do something incredible, but I sometimes still cannot deny that I currently do not look the way I want to, or once did.
Pants that I swear will fit me don’t go past my thighs, and the outfit that I thought looked decent, clearly looks terrible in the photo someone took of me.
A couple of months ago I decided that I could be a little more strict on my diet so that I could lose some weight a little quicker.

One of my main goals was to be, “good,” about sweets and overeating.
“Good.”
This was a terrible choice of word. But that didn’t hit me until we were at a toddlers birthday party.
Our friend's son was turning 3.
There were lots of little boys running around while me, another mother, and her daughter gathered at a table to cut the cake. Her little girl was maybe 4 sitting there while her mother handed her a slice.
Her eyes were beaming.
The mother cut another piece off the cake and asked if I wanted one.
I started to say, “Oh, I’m trying to be ..[good]..” when I realized that this sweet little girl was watching me.

Whether she cared or not that I was going to eat cake, I don’t know, but it made me stop and change my response completely.
Initially, sure, I wanted some cake, but I wasn’t pregnant anymore, not breastfeeding, and it was time to get serious about being skinny again….. Right?

Although this could be dramatic, I think our actions in moments like this affect people around us, especially the little humans.

Was I really about to show this little girl that being, “good,” meant passing on a piece of cake.

Why is, “good,” so deeply engrained in my head as saying no to any and all sugars or treats.
Why is, “good,” being the person that is wired to not even like or crave sweets or snacks in the first place.
Why is, “good,” being thin, or the person that is always working out.

We go around and around this topic in society all the time, but we never stop talking about it.

I had a moment trying on a swim suit the other night. It was a cute one piece that I thought would hug and cover the right places, but when I put it on, I did NOT look the way I thought it would.

As embarrassing as it is to admit, I cried to my husband who quickly hyped me up, but also reminded me that, “you just had a baby.”

I looked in the mirror at myself knowing that I really didn’t look THAT bad, and I had been living a healthy lifestyle. So what more could I expect from my body at that moment.
I had a moment to collect myself and appreciate my body for what it was.
I told my husband. “This is it, this has to be the last time this happens.”

We have two boys right now and hope to grow our family further. The thought of having a daughter is very sobering to me because I want to be an example for her.
When I said, “this has to be the last time,” I meant the last time speaking negatively about how I look. Preferably, the last time putting so much value in how I look.

I didn’t grow up hearing criticism out of my mother (thank you, mom) but it’s crazy how quickly the world can get to us. Little girls, much like the one at the table eating cake, watch the women around them. They admire the women around them. What are they supposed to grow up thinking and believing if they see us talking negatively about how we look? As if our appearance should really matter that much.

This take is nuanced I know, because health is important. I want to be able to care for my grandchildren some day. Which is why this point of view takes discipline. What I am NOT saying by all of this is that we should eat whatever we want, whenever we want, and just lounge around for the rest of our days.

What I am saying is that I want to value my body as a temple of the Lord, fueling it with self control and working it out for the purpose of staying strong for the activities and people that I love. But I hope that that is where it ends.
I hope to deny gluttonous behaviors and stagnant living. I want to challenge myself to grow stronger for the sake of something much more than appearance. I want to spend less time looking in the mirror and comparing.

Chasing a number, or a level of toneness is never ending.
Even when I think back to college, when I was in the best shape of my life, I still didn’t think that I looked good enough. What I would do to slap the vanity out of that girl.
So why do I chase moving goal posts? Most importantly, why would I speak in a way that will encourage the next generation of young women to get on the same train of useless striving.
My body is constantly aging, and constantly evolving, and yet my expectations do not.

A lot of the issue is comparison I think. We live in a world of striving for a certain physique and appearance, “so why shouldn’t I?”
What would the world be like if we all stopped trying to fit into a mold?

What if we treated our bodies more like vessels for doing important work and less like trophies to be admired.

I could work super hard for people to look at me and ask what my diet or workout routine is.

But maybe there is something beautiful too, to not looking like the cover of a magazine.
There is something beautiful about having a few, “extra,” lbs and walking around with the confidence of a Child of God that knows their value and mission in life.

Because that’s when someone can look at you and say, wow, if they are okay not being perfect, I can be too.
And most importantly, I think walking this out with humility can cause people to ask you what makes you so different. Which allows us to share where our hope and value really lies…

1 Peter 3:15
but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,

I am not speaking from doing this well, I am speaking from a place of wanting to grow in this way. So if you ever catch me straying, don’t be afraid to hold me accountable.

I do not want to get to spend my years constantly trying to look a certain way.